I haven't posted for a while. I dunno, I've been up to some stuff. I moved, from Washington to Montana. It's a big change for me cause of my anxiety. But.. ANYWAY!
      I met this guy, his name is Jesse. Currently, he won't really speak to me. He doesn't realize I would do anything for him. Like, ANYTHING. I can't help but cry. It sucks, I know he doesn't love me anymore. And that's okay. I accept it, but I wish he still loved me. There's things in this world that I can't change. All those other guys I mentioned in previous posts, fuck em. I'm not interested anymore. I'm emotionally drained. But he.. He brought me back from the darkness of which I was stuck in. I know, I know, it sounds stupid. I just can't manage without him.. I've been dealing with so much bullshit I haven't had time to focus on him and his needs. I wish I had more time to focus on him. I want him to be the happiest he can be. I just don't know how to make him happy. I don't know what to do. But I won't give up. I wont.

Sorry this was such a short post, not much to say. =3 I'll post again some other time.

My Love Story

    I remeber crying for hours on end. Either that or just for a few minutes. Yet, whether it was just a few minutes or an hour,my heart would still ache and my eyes would burn. Occassionally , I couldn't breathe, I honestly didn't want to breathe. I wished I could just disappear off the face of the earth because I had lost him.
    Yeah, there is always gonna be heart break, but why for me me than others. I suppose I'm just niave, which has indeed been confirmed. But eventually, broken hearts heal. Doesn't happen in a night or two, though.
    It's kind of like a cut wrist, or a broken leg. It wont always heal perfectly, it might leave a scar or it will heal crooked. Or maybe you wont love the same way you used to. For me, he broke me, fixed me, and just broke me again.
     I make it through the day smiling and laughing, but that's only because of my dumbass friends. If they weren't so stupid and goofy, I probably wouldn't be much.
     Right now, I can barely stand or keep my eyes open. He made the sun shine when it was pouring; made me smile when I was sobbing. He made every day bearable, with all the punches and physical abuse I go through, he made it seem like hugs. He made it easier, he's brilliant. He doesn't know it yet, I know that. And neither does any girl he's been with, other than me. I think about it every day, every second, all the time.
     Never once have I thought about his flaws for more than half a second. My need for him is strong, but my love for him is stronger. It will never shrink or grow weak, it will always be there. No matter what he says or does to me or people I care about. I don't care how many girls he has to go through before he realises that I will always love him more than any one else could. I see his potential, I see his emotions, I see his dreams and thoughts and understand them. I understand him, though I don't show it. I really do.
     Honestly, he's the first person I've ever understood the way I understand him. And as much as I will try to hide my emotions, my feelings for him; I'll always fail. His name is stuck in my head, his image makes me smile, even in the most serious of moments. Thinking of him makes me relax, haring his voice makes me destress, calms me down. He's the only person that can do that, the only thing that is keeping me here today.

                       He is my drug...

            He is my love story...

                            ~Haley J. Goodman

That one thing...

    That one thing they say,that just drives you crazy. Makes you cry until 4 in the morning. Where the only thing that holds you together is the presence of that one person who is asleep next to you while you watch a movie.
    He fell in love with my best friend, then he told me he didn't love me the same way. All this I'm not as attached to you bullshit. But that doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't hurt as much. It's a chapter in the past and I've chose to move on.
    Yet, again.. I was told that "my" Teddy Bear didn't love me the same way he used to. I asked myself how many times I must be told this before I realised that I just got old. I bore people. Simple as that. Now, Teddy Bear (I'll stop calling you that eventually), if you're reading this... I'm sorry. Don't feel hurt by what I say, it's just how I feel.
   I sit here, drinking iced tea (bombin'), holding back the tears, yet smiling as well. The place I am provides and environment where pain doesn't hurt as much as before. So, the pain that all this caused, doesn't hurt.. Except for my Teddy Bear. I cried because of how he told me this. Reality frickin' sucks.
    To me, he's perfect. There may be a few flaws, but that doesn't affect how much I love him. He's funny and sweet and he deserves the best. He's beautiful in his own way.. He's sensitive and he gives a shit, which is amazing for a 16 year old male that lives a thousand miles away. He's not afraid to cry, and that's more than I could ask for. When we would Skype, I would try my hardest to make him smile, because that smile gave me butterflies. Seeing his eyes made me feel like everything would be okay. And hearing him say "I love you, Haley" made me think, that for once, someone actually loved me. That this ONE guy, was perfect and could make everything okay. I just wish I could hear him say it one more time..


                 ~H.J.G <3

have you ever had that expereience where the guy that broke your heart tells you that he loves you and your heart flutters and you kinda forget how to breathe? That happened to me last night, and to be honest, I was a little scared because I still loved him. I love him more than I ever thought I would and it's strange.... cause well I never thought I could love someone so much after I tried so hard to forget. and I'm with him now and I couldn't be happier, the only thing that ruins it just a little is how he is across the country. yet, when I think about the future and how somehow, someday, he'll be here... With me... and that's all that matters, the future.. well, not entirely... but God, I never want to lose him. and if I do... well... ill spend the rest of my life trying to find him... I love you, Teddy bear.. - love, Boo

     Love can fail, yet love can blossom as well. Broken hearts can get worse, or get better from the same person that broke it. Love is a strange thing, crazy even. To be honest, this blog was inspired by the last person who broke my heart. I loved him too much, and I hated it, absolutely hated it. I tried to block myself out from him, be cautious, not get attached, of course, it didn't work. I always try so hard to succeed with that, but some people, very few, make it so easy for me to love them.  I simply can't help it.
     A lot of people tell me not to pay attention to boys because I have a life and a future and blah blah blah. Yet, boys are so.. So much more fun than playing checkers, if you get what I'm saying. Yet, they hurt you when you fall too hard. But who's to blame, a heart needs to be broken once in a while, right? That's how I see it anyway, I lost my train of thought cause I'm talking to someone very, very special to me..
    Ah yes, failing love is what I was talking about. Or that's what I thought I would talk about, the text it right there. The number one cause of divorce in America, is marriage. That doesn't mean you shouldn't get married, just remember, through thick and thing, sick and health, rich and poor. It doesn't matter if you really do love the person, everyone had bumps in the road once in a while. It's not always a big deal, if they cheat on you well that's a different story.. But ask why they did it. I've forgiven so many, and never asked why they would hurt me like that.
     But EVERYONE has bumps in the road, family, couples, and even soul mates. You just can't blame someone because perhaps they had a rough day or the stress was just crushing them. Maybe they over react cause they are SCARED. It's really important, if you want to maintain a relationship, to understand. I understand, fights are usually a relationship breaker, but you can't just give up due to one fight. Stress is such a big element as well.
    I regret so many fights I've had, whether it was with family, or someone else I loved. I always wish I could go back in time, make everything right..


                         ~ Haley J. Goodman

That moment when you talk to that guy that you were madly in love with and he dumped you in the trash, what does it do to you? I just had that moment, and all I can do is hold back my tears and try to smile. The possibility of me ever hating him is zero, I'm too forgiving.. I told him I'd gone to hell and back for him and that I was glad to. He got off the computer, he doesn't want to waste his time with me. And I'm beginning to wonder if the whole relationship was a lie. The thing is, a broken heart doesn't just vanish, it stays with you forever. It hurts like a fire coursing through your body, you can't forget. The hurt is too much, eventually it might just sting but it will stay with you forever.
      His voice, his face, his name is burned into my brain and I would still do anything for him. I don't care what he does or says to me, I simply know I miss him and need him here for me. Yet, of course, God has to deny me that, and I suppose I deserve it. I have made wrong choices, tried to end my life, yet he was there for me..
       Thank you Jake, I'll never forget you..



                               ~ Haley J. Goodman

You know that saying? "Love is a bitch" it is sooooo true. Boys and girls are heartbreakers, in my case, boys are. Now, if you get stuck in a relationSHIT, break it off. I have put up with it way too much, and I shouldn't, yet I do. Now, sometimes a decent guy will run along, but if not.. What can you do? Heartbreaks are bitches, and they occur due to love. Shortest post ever, but who cares!



                        ~ Haley J. Goodman